I was prepared for my journey - I had packed my bag (figuratively speaking!) but then my trip got cancelled!!!
That very cryptic sentence relates to my trip to the hospital to get my eagerly (not sure that is really the word!) awaited results of my pathology following the mastectomy.
Well you could have knocked me over with a feather - turns out they took 18 (yes 18!!!) lymph nodes and all of them (yes all of them!) were clear.......!!
As well as that, pathology showed that the cancer was not in fact invasive, but I just had A LOT of cancerous cells, taking over over a quarter of my breast - BUT they were not invasive - just a huge amount of DCIS (Ductal Carcioma In Situ). So from Stage III cancer I was downgraded to Stage I.
The question was raised as to whether I really needed the mastectomy - but the risk was that conserving surgery may leave some of the little devils and that from being Stage I, it could very quickly end up being Stage III again.
Chemo may or may not be appropriate - am waiting to hear on that one after some more tests - radiation would be useless since each little tumour is so tiny. BUT I will start Tamoxifen at the very least.
Of course my heart did sink a bit when I found out that one of the side effects was weight gain - honestly why on earth are side effects for me ALWAYS weight gain! I struggle to keep my weight under control (and fail mostly) - I have a massive issue with it........ comes from many years of ballet where you have to be stick thin....... and our teacher used to weigh us each week, we were rewarded for losing weight! Honestly I am soo f**ked up over my body image ever since - and I am 49 now :(
Anyway less about my demons but more about the fact that this was the best news ever - but also in many ways the most shocking! Now, having got my head around chemo and the long journey ahead, I have to get my head around an easier journey - a journey of course, but without the difficulty and uncertainty, and I have been finding it difficult - yes mad I know, but just goes to show how in many ways Cancer messes with your head!
Off to hospital on Sunday to get fitted for Frank the Falsie and then in a few months time it will be time to think about reconstructive surgery - hopefully to a more managable C cup rather than the E cup crowd pleasers I used to have (hated having big boobs......reference stick thin ballet dancer syndrome above!!!).
Anyway on that bombshell................
I finished my Purple Wurm which I love - not for chemo anymore (well probably not anyway), but maybe when I finally play Golf in a colder climate! Great, simple pattern and I think I may well knit it again for gifts!
These were beautiful flowers from a beautiful lady and colleage who lives and works in Sweden - was supposed to be going to Stockholm to see her just before the op - hopefully I can get there again soon. Not that its an easy journey from Abu Dhabi - its not direct so takes about 16 hours........
Next thing on my to do list is to figure out where I go with my career....I am over HR and I so want to do something with craft - but it will be hard to figure out how to manage without my salary coming in - so there is a lot to be thinking about - but having had such a close scrape with my mortality (again!) I really need to re-evaluate my priorities.......but thats for another post!